What do you see?

What do you see when you look at this photo? I see something different.  

This picture was taken Christmas 2008. I was approximately 20 weeks pregnant with 'Peanut' and wondering whether or not my little peanut would even live. We had recently found out that our unborn child had very large cysts growing on his right kidney and the doctors were not sure that his right kidney functioned at all.  We sat nervously waiting for our phones to ring regarding results of numerous tests performed. We went through the motions of the holiday with fake smiles on our faces and worry in our hearts. This photo is fake, false advertising, showing a happy family.  We were anything but.....

Would I ever be happy again?  Would I ever attempt to have children again?  What have I done to my unborn child?

If I could go back in time and give myself some advice, it would be this

Everything will be more than perfect and that Peanut will not only survive but live his life to the absolute fullest.

I would also give myself the much needed hug of reassurance and tell that scared woman that she was doing everything she could for our baby and that her baby would grow to be a strong, vibrant, silly boy.


And one last thing: Jess, this experience will make you grow more than you ever thought possible in an entire lifetime.  All the emotional struggles you endure won't touch the emotional pleasures that come from the baby inside of you.